Dive into a world where wit meets wickedness. From tech thieves to baking bandits, these jokes will tickle your funny bone while skirting the edges of the law. Enjoy a laugh, but remember – crime doesn’t pay, though it might just make your day!
Crime One-Liner Jokes
1. The computer criminal always had a chip on his shoulder.
2. Ever since I stole a calendar, I’ve been getting 12 months.
3. The burglar was a great musician; he had the perfect key for every door.
4. If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?
5. The best place to hide a secret is on the second page of Google search results.
6. The thief who stole my diary and my calendar got dates with my memories.
7. I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop anytime.
8. When the bank went underwater, the criminals were fishing for loans.
9. I hired a kleptomaniac chef; now all the kitchenware has “taken” a leave.
10. Thieves broke into the police station and stole all the toilets. The cops have nothing to go
on.
11. I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right
behind you.”
12. My friend stole a mood ring, but he doesn’t know how he feels about it.
13. A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.
14. The elevator criminal was wrong on so many levels.
15. My clock got stolen; now I’m losing time.
16. Stealing someone’s coffee is called “mugging.”
17. The graffiti artist was the writing on the wall.
18. I heard the local gym was robbed; guess they wanted to steal some gains.
19. I wanted to become a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
20. The invisible criminal is always overlooked.
21. Thieves broke into the music store; the record shows they took the notes.
22. Why don’t criminals play cards? Too many dealing issues.
23. The locksmith had a key role in solving the crime.
24. My computer security guy is so bad, even a mime can hack him.
25. If you steal a drum, you get a percussion charge.
26. Never trust stairs; they’re always up to something.
27. I used to be a baker because I kneaded the dough.
28. I wouldn’t say I’m a criminal, but I can steal your attention.
29. Never play hide and seek with a criminal; good luck and hide out.
30. Went to a seminar on identity theft, turned out I was the speaker.
Best Crime Puns
31. Why did the scarecrow become a detective?
He was outstanding in his field at finding clues.
32. What do you call a criminal who steals pens?
Incarcerated.
33. Why did the bank robber take a bath before his big heist?
He wanted a clean getaway.
34. What do you call a criminal on an electric chair?
Shocking.
35. Why did the bicycle get a ticket?
It was two-tired of following the rules.
36. How do you catch a squirrel that’s committing a crime?
Climb a tree and act like a nut!
37. Why did the belt get locked up?
It held up a pair of pants.
38. How do you organize a space party?
You planet… and make sure there’s no space for crime!
39. Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing… and the salad stealing!
40. Why did the computer keep freezing at the police station?
It was just too many bytes of evidence.
41. Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground?
They woke up!
42. How do criminals communicate?
Cell phones.
43. Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed!
44. Why did the math book look sad?
Because it had too many problems… with its criminal record.
45. Why did the robber take a shower?
Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
46. Why was the belt arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants!
47. Why did the computer go to jail?
It was caught hacking.
48. Why was the cat sitting on the computer?
It was keeping an eye on the mouse… in case it stole some cheese!
49. What do you call a detective who solves crimes in gardens?
Sherlock Hoes.
50. Why did the pencil get an award?
For drawing attention to a crime scene!
51. Why did the criminal sit in sugar?
He wanted to have sweet moves.
52. Why did the burglar break into the music store?
To score a hit.
53. Why do criminals never play soccer?
Too many penalties.
54. Why did the jewelry thief have great grammar?
He knew the difference between a steal and steel.
55. Why did the criminal become a writer?
Because he had a novel approach.
56. Why was the wheel a terrible accomplice in a crime?
It always turned.
57. How did the detective stay cool on hot days?
His fan was always a big lead.
58. Why did the robber go to art school?
He wanted to draw attention away.
59. What did the detective say to the pencil?
“Write on the crime scene.”
60. Why did the detective bring a ruler to the crime scene?
To measure the suspect’s story.
Funniest Crime Jokes
61. Why did the detective bring a pencil to the murder scene?
To draw his own conclusions.
62. Why did the gangster sit at his computer?
To access the hard drive-by.
63. Why did the criminal wear glasses?
To look inconspicuous.
64. How does a thief say goodbye?
“I’ll be taking off now.”
65. Why did the detective go to the beach?
To catch the wave of crime.
66. How do you know if a thief is calm?
He takes things slowly.
67. Why was the math teacher suspicious?
Every problem had multiple solutions and he couldn’t figure out the angle.
68. Why did the grape stop in the middle of a vine heist?
He ran out of juice.
69. How does the mafia organize their company outings?
They always shoot for the best places.
70. What did the credit fraudster order at the restaurant?
Anything, as long as it was on someone else’s tab.
71. Why did the cat burglar do so well at comedy?
His timing was purrfect.
72. Why did the detective always carry a notebook?
You never know when you’ll come across a sketchy situation.
73. What’s a criminal’s favorite game?
Hide and seek assets.
74. Why did the crime novelist write with a broken pen?
Because the plot was always leaking.
75. Why did the kleptomaniac hate calendars?
They always took days.
76. Why was the belt a notorious criminal in the clothing world?
It was always holding things up.
77. Why did the mobster refuse to invest in the stock market?
Too many undercover bears.
78. Why don’t criminals work in banks?
Too much exposure to their own kind.
79. How do robbers stay cool during a heist?
They have a lot of fans.
80. Why did the criminal get caught at the orchestra?
He couldn’t resist the strings attached.
81. Why did the computer keep going to jail?
It had too many illegal bytes.
82. What’s a criminal’s favorite type of music?
Anything they can steal the show with.
83. Why did the chalk outline go to art school?
It wanted to be sketchy on purpose.
84. Why did the thief break into the bakery?
Because he kneaded the dough.
85. Why was the nose a great detective?
It always sniffed out the truth.
86. Why did the criminal get a job at the calendar factory?
He wanted to get a date.
87. Why did the lemon never commit a crime?
It was a bit too sour.
88. Why did the thief bring a pencil to the heist?
He wanted to draw out the plan.
89. What do you call a gangster snowman?
Frosty the con man.
90. How do you make a fruit punch?
Give it a criminal record.
Conclusion
As our journey through criminal comedy comes to a close, remember: the best heists are the ones that steal a laugh. Thanks for joining this playful spree on the lighter side of lawbreaking. Until next time, keep your wit sharp and your alibis sharper!
Pinterest