Lawyers often find themselves in the midst of serious cases and tough negotiations. But, just like any other profession, there’s a lighter side to their world. Enjoy these playful, adult-centric takes on the world of law and the lawyers who navigate it!
Lawyer One-Liner Jokes
1. I told my lawyer he’s bad at math; he said he knows the “sue-m” of all parts.
2. Lawyers wear lawsuits to court because it suits them.
3. Why do lawyers carry suitcases? To pack up their briefs.
4. I dated a lawyer once – every argument was a “trial” run.
5. Lawyers really believe in conservation: they turn every case into long cases.
6. My lawyer’s an expert in divorce – he’s had five of them.
7. When lawyers get older, they become a bit will-nilly.
8. A lawyer’s favorite classic game? Suedoku.
9. What’s a lawyer’s favorite dance? The legal-tango.
10. You know a lawyer’s broke when they start chasing the ice cream truck.
11. A minimalist lawyer defends brief cases.
12. Want to play hide and seek with a lawyer? Good luck; they always object to hiding!
13. I told my lawyer I couldn’t afford him; now he’s suing me.
14. Why don’t lawyers go camping? It’s too intents.
15. When a lawyer writes a song, it’s always legally binding.
16. I bought a lawyer calendar – every month is an “objection!”
17. Lawyers and calculators – always summing up problems.
18. Lawyers always have a firm handshake.
19. My lawyer’s office is on the second floor; he’s above the law.
20. I took my lawyer to the bakery. He said, “I doughnut understand these contracts.”
Best Lawyer Puns
21. Why did the coffee sue the kettle?
It felt it was getting too much heat.
22. Why did the clock consult a lawyer?
It wanted to get its hours back from its employer.
23. Why was the pencil in court with a lawyer?
It felt it was being drawn into a sketchy deal.
24. “Have you heard about the new lawyer cocktail?
It’s called ‘On The Rocks’ – just like most of his cases!”
25. Why did the tomato hire a lawyer?
It got into a saucy dispute with a cucumber.
26. The toy truck got a lawyer
it was tired of being pushed around.
27. The orange needed a lawyer.
It was being squeezed for information.
28. Why did the computer mouse hire a lawyer?
He wanted to file a claim for a hostile work environment.
29. “Why did the sandwich hire a lawyer?
There was too much ‘bread’ at stake!”
30. Why did the light bulb consult a lawyer?
It wanted to shine light on a dim situation.
31. The shoe got itself a lawyer.
It felt it was being stepped on.
32. “Did you hear about the cat who hired a lawyer?
She felt she was a victim of a purrjury!”
33. Why did the fish hire a lawyer?
It was in deep water.
34. The paper hired a lawyer.
It felt it was being cut out of the deal.
35. The book consulted a lawyer.
It was tired of being judged by its cover.
36. The cookie went to a lawyer.
It felt it was being crumbled under pressure.
37. Why did the flower hire a lawyer?
It was a petal plaintiff.
38. The cookie dough needed a lawyer.
It was accused of being too raw.
39. The ladder got a lawyer.
It was tired of being walked all over.
40. The bell rang for a lawyer.
It wanted to sound off in court.
41. What did the lawyer wear to court?
A lawsuit.
42. What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t chase ambulances?
Retired.
43. How does a lawyer decline an invitation to a party?
“Sorry, I’m court up at the moment.”
44. Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
45. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of cattle?
The brand.
46. What did the judge say to the lawyer?
“Order in the court! And I’ll have fries with that.”
47. Why did the tree hire a lawyer?
It had a root dispute.
48. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them,
would you go to lunch or read the paper?
49. What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a library?
Too many legal books to handle!
50. Why don’t lawyers go to the gym?
They can’t handle the brief workouts.
Funniest Lawyer Jokes
51. Why did the lawyer go on a date?
He wanted to pass the bar.
52. Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
53. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
54. “Did you hear about the lawyer’s love life?
It’s appealing!”
55. Why do lawyers love open bars?
No objections there!
56. How does an attorney flirt?
“Your honor, I’d like to approach the bench.”
57. I dated a lawyer once; needless to say,
we had many trials and tribulations.
58. “You know you’re a lawyer when you don’t need a sugar daddy;
you’ve got plenty of sweet clients.”
59. Why do lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin down.
60. Why was the lawyer always calm in bed?
He believed in due process.
61. Did you hear about the flirtatious lawyer?
She had a lot of legal brief encounters.
62. Why was the lawyer bad at relationships?
He had too many defenses up.
63. A lawyer’s favorite pick-up line?
“Let’s get contractual.”
64. Why did the lawyer get kicked out of the wine bar?
He had too many legal sips.
65. What did the lawyer say to the banker at the bar?
“Trust me.”
66. Why did the lawyer blush at the document?
It was a revealing brief.
67. Why was the lawyer good at foreplay?
He knew the importance of a strong opening statement.
68. “My lawyer boyfriend is so romantic;
he said he wants to settle down with me.”
69. Why was the lawyer great at making cocktails?
He mastered the art of mix-tigation.
70. How do lawyers say goodbye after a fling?
“I’ll call you for the next hearing.”
71. Why did the lawyer wear tight shoes?
To press his suit!
72. Why did the postman become a lawyer?
He was good at delivering sentences.
73. How does an attorney sleep?
First they lie on one side, then they lie on the other.
74. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
75. Why did the lawyer and the judge break up?
They had too many trials and tribulations.
Conclusion
Hopefully these legal laughs added a bit of humor to your day! Remember, it’s all in good fun. Here’s to lawyers and the countless punchlines they inspire!