Marriage: full of love, surprises, and endless humor. Dive into these playful takes on wedded life. Laughter truly is the best marital advice!
Marriage One-Liner Jokes
1. Marriage is a workshop: I work, she shops.
2. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
3. Marriage is a workshop: I work, she shops.
4. My wife’s idea of saving time is to agree with me.
5. My wife told me I should listen more. Or at least, I think that’s what she said.
6. I remember everything from our wedding day, especially the cold feet.
7. After getting married, I’ve discovered the true meaning of “what’s mine is hers”.
8. Behind every married man is a woman pointing out something he’s doing wrong.
9. My wife likes long walks, especially when I take them alone.
10. Marriage tip: The key to a long-lasting relationship is a short memory.
11. My wife said I never show my feelings. I didn’t know I was supposed to have any.
12. I love being married. It’s so great finding one person to annoy for a lifetime.
13. The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret.
14. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
15. I love being married. It’s so great finding one person to annoy for a lifetime.
16. Marriage: Where “Yes, dear” is a complete sentence.
17. My wife said she needs more space. So, I locked her outside.
18. Marriage tip: The key to a long-lasting relationship is a short memory.
19. Every time I say “I do” at a wedding, my wife reminds me I already did.
20. Marriage is the main cause of divorce.
Best Marriage Puns
21. Why do married people live longer?
They can’t argue with their spouse if they’re dead!
22. Why do couples go to the gym?
Because married life is a workout!
23. What’s the difference between a married man’s joke and a single man’s joke?
The married
man’s joke doesn’t come home until 2 AM.
24. Marriage is a workshop…
where the husband works, and the wife shops!
25. Why did the married man put his money in the blender?
Because he wanted to make some
liquid assets before his wife spent it all!
26. What do you call a married man spinning in a hammock?
A tornado of regret.
27. Wife: “Honey, do I look fat in this dress?” Husband: “Would you get mad if I tell the truth?”
Wife: “Of course not!” Husband: “I value my life.”
28. My wife and I have the secret to a happy marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two
times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go
on Fridays.
29. Why are husbands like lawnmowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don’t work!
30. Why did the husband bring a ladder to his marriage counseling?
He heard it would help him get to the next level of understanding!
31. Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards. At the start, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.
32. My wife told me she needs more space.
So, I locked her outside.
33. Why did the wife attend art school?
So she could draw her own conclusions!
34. “My wife said she wanted something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
So, I bought her a scale!”
35. If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new
or the wife is.
36. Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree,
and a woman gets her master’s.
37. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.
38. When a man steals your wife,
there’s no better revenge than letting him keep her.
39.Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right,
and the other is the husband.
40. My wife told me she wants to be treated like a princess.
So, I put her in a carriage and sent
her off to another kingdom.
41. Husband: “Why are you squeezing my hand so hard during labor?”
Wife: “I’m just showing you how it feels to not have an epidural!”
42. Wife: “Our baby looks just like you!” Husband:
“Then why did we spend all that money on the maternity photo shoot?”
43. Wife: “Let’s renew our vows.” Husband: “Alright, you promise to not make me renew our vows every year?”
44. Husband: “For our silver anniversary, I thought of buying you a band.” Wife: “A diamond band?” Husband: “No, a rock band. It’s cheaper.”
45. Why did the married couple go to therapy? To negotiate the terms of their surrender!
46. Wife: “What did you get me for Valentine’s Day?” Husband: “The same thing as last year. Didn’t you like it then?”
47. Why did the husband call his wife a library? Because she had so many books, they had to move to a bigger house!
48. Husband: “Where should we go on vacation this year?” Wife: “Somewhere I’ve never been.” Husband: “How about the kitchen?”
49. Wife: “What will you give me for our 50th wedding anniversary?” Husband: “A minute of silence.”
50. Friend: “Why did you two decide to split?” Husband: “She wanted to go left, I wanted to go right, so we decided to part ways!
Funniest Marriage Jokes
51. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “Y” becomes silent.
52. My wife and I were happy for 20 years.
Then we met.
53. A man is incomplete until he’s married.
After that, he’s finished.
54. “Honey, for our anniversary, let’s go somewhere I’ve never been!”
“How about the kitchen?”
55. My wife has a superpower: she can make things disappear,
especially my money.
56. Husband to his friend: “My wife and I have a joint account.
I deposit and she withdraws!”
57. A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was
spending less than his wife did.
58. Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree,
and a woman gets her master’s.
59. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. At the start, you need two hearts and a diamond. By the
end, you wish you had a club and a spade.”
60. Getting married is a lot like getting into a hot bath.
After you get used to it, it’s not so hot.
61. Husband: “I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.”
Wife: “You wear briefs, don’t you?”
62. “My wife and I were happy for 20 years.
And then we met.”
63. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don’t like to interrupt her.”
64. Why do husbands die before their wives?
They want to.
65. “My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.”
66. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
67. “Love is blind,
but marriage is a real eye-opener.”
68. Wife: “I’m leaving you because you’re too arrogant.”
Husband: “Wait, come back! You forgot your crown!”
69. “Why do married people live longer?
Because they can’t argue with their spouse if they’re dead!”
70. Husband: “Honey, our new neighbor seems to kiss his wife every time he goes out. Why
don’t you do that?” Wife: “I don’t know him well enough yet.”
71. Why do men kneel to propose?
It’s the first step in surrendering!
72. Bride: “If I ever become too stressed about our wedding preparations, promise me you’ll carry me away and elope!” Groom: “That’s the fifth time you’ve said that today.”
73. Why did the groom get stuck on his last night of freedom?
He couldn’t tie the knot!
74. Husband: “Why is the wedding dress white?” Wife: “Because it’s the most joyous event in a woman’s life, and the woman wants to match the fridge, the stove, and the washing machine!
75. Priest: “Do you take this woman to be your wedded wife?”
Groom: “I do.” Priest: “Really? At her age?!”
76. Why did the bride and groom go to the bank after their wedding?
They wanted to send their wedding bills bouncing!
77. Why did the groom bring a pencil to the honeymoon?
To fill out all the feedback forms!
78. Husband: “I thought about taking you somewhere expensive for our first anniversary.”
Wife: “Oh! Where?” Husband: “The gas station.”
79. Wife: “I dreamt you gave me a necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?” Husband: “You’ll find out tonight.” That evening, the husband came home with a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams.”
80. Wife: “Honey, what do you feel about having a baby?”
Husband: “I can feel… the color draining from my face.”
Conclusion
Cheers to the joys of matrimony! Hope these jests brought a smile. Remember, in marriage, laughter is the key.