70 Funniest New York Jokes

These jokes humorously capture the essence of New York City life, from its hectic pace to the unique traits of its residents. They offer a light-hearted and witty perspective on the quirks and charms of living in the Big Apple.

New York One-Liner Jokes

1. In New York, the only time people go to church is when Starbucks is closed.

2. New Yorkers are very polite: they always say ‘No problem’ instead of ‘You’re welcome.’

3. A New Yorker’s diet: 50% pizza, 50% bagels, 100% in a hurry.

4. In New York, you’re never more than 20 feet away from someone you’d rather avoid.

5. The best way to get around New York quickly is to be carried by a crowd.

6. In New York, ‘excuse me’ means ‘get out of the way.’

7. The four seasons in New York: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.

8. In New York, people wear all black to blend in with the buildings.

9. New York: where ‘I’m walking here!’ counts as a polite conversation.

10. In New York, the light at the end of the tunnel is just New Jersey.

New York Joke

11. New Yorkers don’t sleep; they take power naps in cabs.

12. In New York, a ‘quiet dinner’ just means the restaurant’s speakers are broken.

13. In New York, ‘rush hour’ is a very optimistic term.

14. If you can make it here, you’re probably late for something else.

15. New York is the only city where people pay to live in a closet.

16. In New York, you’re always in someone’s way – even if you’re not moving.

17. In New York, you don’t wait for the bus; the bus waits for nobody.

18. A New York love story: When two people find each other in a crowded subway.

19. New Yorkers don’t age; they just go out of style.

20. In New York, everyone’s in a relationship with their coffee.

Best New York Puns

21. Why do New York subway rats look so fit?
Because they’re always training!

22. How do you know a New Yorker likes you?
They only roll their eyes at you half the time.

23. Why did the vampire move to New York?
He heard the city never sleeps!

24. What’s a New Yorker’s favorite exercise?
Jumping to conclusions!

25. Why are New Yorkers always so calm during a crisis?
They’ve already seen it all in the subway.

26. How do you keep a secret in New York City?
Tell it during rush hour traffic – nobody’s going anywhere!

27. Why don’t New York City pigeons understand Twitter?
They can’t imagine tweeting without leaving a mess!

28. What’s the most confusing day in New York?
Moving Day – when everyone’s furniture gets to know each other.

29. Why did the yogi refuse to teach in New York?
He couldn’t find any inner peace in Times Square!

30. How do you find a tourist in New York?
They’re the ones obeying the walk signals!

New York Joke

31. Why don’t New Yorkers play hide and seek?
Because good luck hiding when you pay $2000 for a studio apartment!

32. What’s the most unrealistic thing about Spider-Man?
Not the web-slinging, but finding a parking space in Queens!

33. Why are New Yorkers always so stressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey!

34. How do you know if a New Yorker is on vacation?
They’re the only ones who don’t look amazed by the skyscrapers!

35. Why did the chicken cross the road in New York?
To prove it wasn’t a tourist!

36. What’s a New Yorker’s idea of a wildlife encounter?
Spotting a celebrity at Starbucks.

37. Why did the ghost move to New York?
He heard the rent prices were scary!

38. How do New Yorkers stay cool?
They stand in the shadows of their tall buildings!

39. Why don’t aliens visit New York?
They can’t find a place to park their spaceship!

40. What’s the New York City motto?
“If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere… but good luck making it here!”

Most Funny New York Jokes

41. Why don’t New York writers get lost?
Because they can always find a plot twist in Manhattan!

42. What’s the most confusing day for a New York dog?
Bark in the Park Day – they don’t know whose picnic to crash first!

43. Why do New York ghosts hate skyscrapers?
They’re too tired of going through so many floors!

44. How do you know if someone is a real New Yorker?
They think the four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

45. Why was the computer cold in New York?
It left its Windows open in Brooklyn!

46. What’s a New Yorker’s definition of wildlife?
The race for a cab during rush hour.

47. Why do New York squirrels do well in business?
They really know how to stash their nuts on Wall Street!

48. Why do New York fish always look so busy?
They’re swimming upstream in the Hudson!

49. How do New Yorkers stay in shape?
By running away from tourists asking for directions.

50. What’s the New York version of a love story?
“When Harry Met Sally” in a crowded subway.

51. Why don’t New Yorkers ever play dead?
Because the rent would still be due!

52. How do you know if a joke is about New York?
It never gets old – just like the city’s buildings!

53. Why did the chicken cross the road in Brooklyn?
To prove it was hipper than the chickens in Manhattan!

54. What do you call a snowstorm in New York?
A normal Tuesday.

55. Why are New York apartments so small?
So the cockroaches can find everything easily.

New York Joke

56. How do New Yorkers stay so fit?
By dodging tourists in Times Square.

57. Why did the lettuce close its eyes in New York?
It couldn’t find Central Park!

58. What’s a New Yorker’s favorite magic spell?
“Abracadabra, make this traffic disappear!”

59. Why don’t New Yorkers trust stairs?
Because they’re always up to something or down to no good.

60. What’s the only thing that moves slower than traffic in New York?
The line at the DMV!

61. Why do New Yorkers always seem in a hurry?
Because the only time they’re standing still is in traffic!

62. How do you know if someone’s from New York?
Don’t worry, they’ll tell you within the first two minutes!

63. Why was the math book sad in New York?
Because it had too many problems on Broadway!

64. Why don’t New York basketball players need AC?
Because the Knicks fans already blow!

65. What’s the only thing in New York that’s not in a hurry?
The Statue of Liberty – she’s still there!

66. Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?
Because the elevator was out of order!

67. How does a New Yorker keep their house spotless?
By living in New Jersey!

68. Why did the tomato turn red in New York?
Because it saw the salad dressing in Times Square!

69. What do you call a fisherman in New York?

70. Why did the pigeon refuse to leave Times Square?
It couldn’t resist the lights!


Hopefully these jokes gave you a laugh and a light-hearted view of life in New York City. They’re a fun tribute to the unique and lively spirit of the Big Apple.


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